Umma.

Working everyday makes me feel like a zombie. I almost forgot what that felt like but it's all coming back to me now. People come up and tell me what a good daughter I am for helping my mom at her store, but I wish they would stop saying that, because it's just so untrue.. I wish I really were a good daughter and help my mom out, out of the goodness of my heart- but most of the time it's out of pure guilt.. Guilty because I should be doing better in school, I should be helping out more around the house, guilty because I'm so self-absorbed in my own issues.. Growing up, my mom gave me and my siblings everything that we could ever want--all by herself. And now that we've grown up a little, I should be able to give her back at least a fraction of what she gave me- but I can't. She deserves so much more and so much better than what I have to offer now. Although it's so hard for me to express anything but frustration and anger towards her now, her unconditional love is what drives me and keeps me motivated, but at the same time keeps me feeling so guilty it makes me sick to my stomach. I want to give her the best, but more so than that, I just want to give her a break. I want to send her somewhere nice while her store and her life is on hold and covered. But who the heck would want to vacation alone? She doesn't even have her close friends anymore because she had to give up any form of social activities for her kids. Her social network is her church members and business clients. I promise.. one day I'm going to make her proud and not make her regret any of the hard work that she set forth upon us. I'm gonna give her the break that she needs and deserves. One day, I will..