the future freaks me out.

so for the past couple semesters i've been in freak-out mode mainly because i had no idea what the future held for me. i prayed alone in my room, with others, at prayer meetings, at retreats, even in my dreams, and up until a couple nights ago, i didn't hear a single word back from God. every day that went by without an answer, i kept telling myself that i just need to TRUST that He has a plan for me because i am His. i hated it whenever people would ask me what my plans are after i graduate. "are you gonna go to grad school? find a job?" literally, those are the ONLY two options for post-grad that i've ever been suggested with. and no matter how much i tried to convince myself that i should be going to grad school (because isn't that what you're SUPPOSED to do after college? more college?!), the idea of it just never sat well with me. and neither did finding a job.

but slowly AND surely, being the faithful Father that He is, God had been listening to my cries all along. i know this because for the past month i've been meeting people who had gone through similar situations as me, and it was so much more than just a coincidence that they were all encouraging me to take the same route. it started with my mom who one night randomly suggested to me that i take a year away on a long term missions trip after i graduate to find out who i really am and what i want to do with my life and what God wants me to do with my life. i told her i'd think and pray about it. and then from that point on i believe that God placed certain people into my life to affirm me in my considerations of volunteering somewhere for a year.

right now i'm looking into applying for a volunteer service program called City Year (thanks to Alice!) where for one year you devote yourself full-time as a mentor/tutor/role model for intercity youth. i'm usually extremely reluctant in telling people my "plans" or even what i'm thinking about doing for the future because i live in the fear of being judged or looked down upon if the things i said i'd do all fell through. my pride still consumes me, but that's a whole different story.

so if you're reading this, i desperately need prayer. i'm pretty sure at this point that this is where God is directing me towards, but i want to make sure that i'm still going according to His will and not out of my own desires. that this isn't just something that i think what God wants from me. LORD, let YOUR will be done!