reading the Word and God's grace has been just about the only two things that have been keeping me from completely shutting down. every year i come to realize the same thing over and over again, and that is people will always disappoint you. they will always fall short of your expectations. this i am hundred percent sure of, and i can offer solid proof. just ask me.

clearly i have trust issues--and for very good reasons. i hold high expectations for people who i consider my friends, because i try to give them my time and heart for them as best as i can. and so when i don't get that back right away, i've learned over the years to build up a defense mechanism where i just tell myself to drop it and move on because i will always find another to replace them. healthy or not, that's what i do.

this is why it's so important for me to find a healthy, solid church where you're surrounded by a body of believers that acknowledge the imperfections of man and the sovereign power of God. i remember all throughout junior high and high school, i prayed for good friends.. i guess i didn't specify what "good" meant. because i've had many good friends, some even the best. but there are friends, and then there are kingdom friends. people who you know you can count on to encourage you, to bless you, to rebuke you, and just keep pushing you along your walk with Christ.

upon self-reflection, i'm not the kind of friend that i would want to be friends with either. i'm so very picky with almost everything--clothes, songs, friends, what color i want to paint my nails today, what i feel like eating for dinner tomorrow.. if i want others to care about my spiritual walk, i need to care first. if i want love, i need to love first. because that's how JC did it. he didn't sit around waiting for people to come and listen to his parables. he went to them first. and loved on them first.

Lesson learned, God is the only constant in my life.

i need to better myself.. still.