woman of God.

despite the way i look and act, i'm actually pretty weak. i'm loud and stubborn, my pride is off the charts, and it doesn't take much to tick me off inside even though i might hide it with a smile or a laugh. i'm terribly afraid of almost anything that isn't tangible and isn't right in front of me (i.e. the future and all of life's secrets), but i got quite good at seeming like i got it all down. i have a fiery temper and when i get angry, i think with my emotions and not with my head; and by then you probably need to either tase me down or shoot a tranquilizer at me like i'm some wild animal--preferably with a biblical rebuke alongside to go with it.

so that's me. and this is what i strive to be:

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." Titus 2:3-5

hmmmyea i've always had an issue with the concept of submission, especially submitting to a man. being raised by a single mother, i was never taught how to "submit" to male authority, which makes sense in retrospect because ever since high school i remember always butting heads with older korean male authoritative figures at church. there was always something not right about them in my mind--something i just didn't trust about them. this kind of mindset, i now realize, has led me to think about my future as a wife to my husband. how do i submit to a dude? i've always learned to fend for myself and get what i want for myself. and for a while i took pride in it with such false bravado. now i see that i have learned to build a cage around me that only made me look strong as long as my fragile cage held up. but inside i was still weak--i still am.

the world puts such a negative connotation to submissive women, saying that to submit to their husbands is allowing them to control every inch of her life. all this time i was afraid that my life would come to that. so i always told myself that i would never let a man control me like that. but the way that God uses the word submit isn't so that He gives the husband the right to smack their woman around whenever they very well please, but that i as a woman, as a future wife, would trust, support, and love my future husband through thick and thin. but before any man that i should submit to the Lord first above all else.

and so, to bring this to a full circle, i still have much to work on if i'm going to be the kind of woman that God wants me to be. :/ but i've always found much comfort in this verse to guide me when i get carried away with myself: "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

P.S. thanks April Cho for persistently encouraging me to get back to my blogs. you inspire me and i'm praying for you, too!