How did I let myself get this far? I don't know if it's because it's a new year or what but I feel so completely empty this time around- shoot. I'm going to church tomorrow. First time in a long time that I've REALLY wanted to go to meet Jesus. For the longest time I've felt almost to the point of shame to go back to church- like I would be judged and looked down upon because I haven't gone for so long. "Well, well, well, look who decided to finally come back to church." I know that's the devil taunting me, trying to guilt trip me into changing my mind. But I can't shake off this feeling.. of feeling homesick. Homesick for Jesus, for love and grace. I realized now that my faith is sitting rock bottom that I never really had much confidence in my faith at all. I always had the mentality that I wasn't doing this whole Christianity thing right even through all the retreats and bible studies. I used to feel like I was so tight with Him and then like some of the friendships that I lost due to lack of communication, I suddenly found myself drifted so far away. Not that God had moved away from me but that I was the one that up and left. I've been indulging myself with all this world has to offer- and sure, it's fun, I must admit. But it's just not the same. I want the real deal. I want something that will give eternal, lasting joy. I want joy more than I want happiness. I can find happiness in pretty much anything, but joy is something that's far more valuable and hard to come by. It only comes from knowing God and His love for us.
One of my favorite chapters of the Bible comes from Psalm 139. It pulls me back in and feel like I never left His side. He's my BFF- no matter how long I've been gone, He still knows me inside and out.
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Phew, not that I've finally got that off my chest, my heart doesn't feel so heavy anymore. c: I feel like I've been lugging around a bag of bricks.
