reflection.

God is a jealous God and i'm so thankful that i have a Father who cares for me enough to discipline me, always making my path straight. i've been realizing how much i've been depending on those around me, putting everything else above the One who gave me anything in the first place. i'm such a mess inside and out and prior to this year's winter retreat i had some serious doubts about going and serving the youth because i had nothing to offer them. how was i supposed to teach these students anything when i myself have nothing figured out either?? but i believe the spirit led me to go anyway out of the sheer desperation of finding Him again, and these past four days i learned so much about myself as well as God's steadfast love for His children. just that first night, i realized that it's not me who can do anything for these kids. i'm merely an empty vessel that God uses to administer to others. despite all of my past and current sins, my brokenness and fears, His power is made perfect in my weakness (2Cor.12:9). these past couple weeks i've been feeling just that--weak. i was reaching my lowest point and from that moment i let God take full control. if we try to do everything with our own strength, what room is there for God to work in us? all i know is that i need to learn to depend on Him by myself and solidify my identity around Christ rather than others.

throughout the retreat, i was constantly being distracted by my personal things, thinking back to all my mistakes and failures and letting my sins weigh me down- but Joe Tek brought up a really good point in his sermon about there being no condemnation (Romans 8:1) when we have Jesus on our side. God forgives us for our past and has already forgiven us for the things we commit in the future. this really resonates through me because there are so many times when i think about all the past events that led me to be the person i am today, i become so frustrated for not being able to let go of the things that have affected me. now i know that i don't have to be this person anymore. all of the skeletons in my closet can turn to ash and i don't have to let them affect my present and future anymore- that is, as long as i have Christ in me.