reconciliation.

almost a week ago--christmas eve to be exact, my mom and i got into a huge fight. i'm not even sure what it was about anymore, but all i remember is that that fight was the pinnacle of another turning point in my life. after that particular fight, my whole life snowballed down from there. it was like i pulled at a loose thread and all of the things in my life that i tried to hold on to for so long started to unravel itself. needless to say, christmas was ruined, as were my relationships with multiple people. in fact, that night i concluded that this life that i had led myself to believe was happiness all fell through and i just wanted to go to sleep until the storm had cleared. but God woke me up the next morning, and to be honest, it wasn't any better.

[fast forward four days, post-retreat]
i still don't have all the answers, but yesterday i definitely made the first active step in finding them. last night, somehow by God's grace, my mom and i were in the house alone--just the two of us (this seldom happens). i came out of the shower and had heard her just come home from work and i knew that i had to seize this moment to swallow my pride, walk up to her and apologize. i'll admit, i stood there at the bottom of the stairs hesitant and frozen in fear, and for a minute i was stalling myself. nevertheless, i took one deep breath, looked up at the ceiling and asked, "God be with me.." and walked up the stairs.

i don't think i've ever had a heart-to-heart with my mom like last night. for the first time in my life she let down her walls and showed me her weaknesses and i showed her mine. i guess this is why parents try to put on such a brave face in front of their children, because quite frankly i was scared. scared that my mom hadn't been flying in a cape with supernatural powers this whole time. as a matter of fact, she's just as human as the rest of us. but one thing i felt so strongly was this: throughout everything we talked about, she spoke with love. you could hear the sacrifice and pain in her voice as she embraced me and told me of her hopes for me. what really broke my heart was when i realized how selfish i've been. i certainly knew how broken i was, but i contained myself inside my own little box and didn't even think of how much more broken, hurt and lonely my mom could be. this is God telling me that He's still looking out for me. in small subtle steps, my prayers are being answered one by one, and that gives me hope. just as God reconciled with us by sacrificing His son Jesus, we are able to reconcile with others. through this we are able to draw closer to God as well as to those around us. with that in mind, i've decided to fast for a day, really seeking Him, depending only on Him and His Word.

"9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail. "

Isaiah 58:9-11

there is so much beauty in being broken and messed up. this is when you feel God's mercy in full power. although He has every right to spit us out and be done with us, He instead shows compassion.. no condemnation in Christ Jesus.